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UPDATED: Illegal Immigrants Al Qaeda Squirrels Disrupt Electricity in Two Cities

November 20, 2007

The culprits behind the string of mysterious Midwest power outages have been discovered, and let’s just say they won’t be threatening our Homeland Security anymore…

…a squirrel came in contact with an overhead transformer and knocked out service to 177 customers Monday. Power was fully restored in just under an hour, and repair crews found the remains of the “unfortunate squirrel,” he said.

By coincidence, another squirrel got into a substation 40 miles away in Ironwood, Mich., Monday morning and caused a temporary outage that affected about 1,400 customers… [Associated Press: Squirrels briefly kill power in 2 cities]

Many readers have criticized my earlier characterization of these vicious attacks on our national economy and the down-home psyche of Middle America. Some of the reaction I would say rises to the level of mild outrage, with a few even calling upon me to publicly retract my prior speculation as to who might be responsible for these attacks.

I will be making no such retractions!

While my early reporting wasn’t 100% correct on this, I still stand by my partially correct assumption that Al-Qaeda was behind the attacks. However, my sources now tell me that it is actually a specially trained Iranian militant group behind these squirrels, and that this group maintains a loose relationship with, and operates under, the Al-Qaeda brand.

And while these squirrels probably weren’t brought into the country by your garden variety Spanish speaking illegal alien, it is by no means a stretch of the imagination that they could easily be illegally smuggled through our porous borders!

The fact is, in this post 9-11 world, we live dangerous lives in a dangerous country. It is perfectly reasonable to scrutinize the events of these dangerous lives through the lens of caution. We must come to terms with the threats all around us, and realize that even the most benign threats could be actually quite serious threats. And we should encourage our policymakers to consider the question: will we allow an Iran armed with elite squads of Iranian-trained suicide squirrels to persist?

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3 Comments leave one →
  1. November 20, 2007 10:29 PM

    News flash: The Department of Homeland Security has located the culprit behind the massive power outage. Suspect will be waterboarded immediately.

  2. November 20, 2007 10:55 PM

    lol perfect! I just watched that thing about 20 times. Thanks.

  3. December 1, 2007 3:47 AM

    Since the squirrels stop by my place for food and water (they take from the cats), I must be a terrorist sympathizer. Mother would be so proud.

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