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April 6, 2007

Invincible Pie

Emmitt SmithThis Pie has won 4 NFL rushing titles, rushed for over 1,000 yards in 11 consecutive seasons, rushed for 16,726 career yards, scored 164 touchdowns and spawned that rule where you can’t take your helmet off on the field to celebrate anymore. Pie was also crowned champion of ABC’s Dancing with the Stars with dance partner, Cheryl Burke, without wearing any helmet at all!

Bird MarketingThis Pie will buy you two crudely drawn birds and a thatched hut which appears only big enough to hold three quarters of one bird… But Pie has magical properties! Pie’s magic makes that hut however big it’s needed; on the inside! Remember the Weasley family’s tent in that one Harry Potter episode? That was Pie! (Uncredited.)

Movie fails because of its brazen, puerile attempt at one-upsmanship on the delicious perfection of our fair Pie. Alas for Movie, Pie’s perfection is not to be trifled with.

The ConstitutionMostly, Pie studiously amends the United States Constitution to limit the number of terms a president may be elected to. So even if congress refuses to do it, Pie will remove even the lamest of ducks… eventually. Even more, this Pie possesses the indominable strength required to repel all fictious threats posed by April Fool’s day news items on fake websites that accidentally get reported on a national liberal talk radio show, then retracted in the next segment.

Yay for Pie!

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