Paring Down the News as Far as It Will Go

Schismism’s Alternate Headlines
1. Dem Politicos Flip-Flop on Iraq — (…seeking to placate members of their party from Republican-leaning districts…)
2. President’s Tough Iran Strategy Working. Still, We Must Bomb Iran — (…Iran seems to have at least temporarily halted the uranium-enrichment program at the heart of its standoff with the U.N. Security Council…)
3. BREAKING: Anna Nicole is Still Dead — 3 Star General Sings Howard Jones Classic: “No One Ever is to Blame” — (“I’m trying not to say that I’m not accountable,” [for the unacceptable conditions at Walter Reed.])
4. Plaintiff Guilty of Aiding Terrorists: Reasons for Breaking Law are State Secrets — (…those facts would be national secrets that would tip off terrorists, so no court can ever rule on the [wiretapping surveillance of US citizens] program…)
5. BUSINESS: Election Controls Market: Futures Uncertain — (…[Diebold] executives may be angling for ways to dump its e-voting subsidiary that’s widely seen as tarnishing the company’s reputation…)
6. Scooter Libby Found Not Guilty — (…on one of five counts…)
7. Evolution Theory Disproved — (…it defies existing tectonic plate theories of evolution.) —