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Paring Down the News as Far as It Will Go

March 6, 2007

Schismism’s Alternate Headlines
1. Dem Politicos Flip-Flop on Iraq(…seeking to placate members of their party from Republican-leaning districts…)
2. President’s Tough Iran Strategy Working. Still, We Must Bomb Iran(…Iran seems to have at least temporarily halted the uranium-enrichment program at the heart of its standoff with the U.N. Security Council…)
3. BREAKING: Anna Nicole is Still Dead — 3 Star General Sings Howard Jones Classic: “No One Ever is to Blame”(“I’m trying not to say that I’m not accountable,” [for the unacceptable conditions at Walter Reed.])
4. Plaintiff Guilty of Aiding Terrorists: Reasons for Breaking Law are State Secrets(…those facts would be national secrets that would tip off terrorists, so no court can ever rule on the [wiretapping surveillance of US citizens] program…)
5. BUSINESS: Election Controls Market: Futures Uncertain — (…[Diebold] executives may be angling for ways to dump its e-voting subsidiary that’s widely seen as tarnishing the company’s reputation…)
6. Scooter Libby Found Not Guilty — (…on one of five counts…)
7. Evolution Theory Disproved(…it defies existing tectonic plate theories of evolution.)

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