A Regular Fucking Robbing Hood
Jack Ass-ramoff aint that bad! He’s not just a corrupt, power-seeking, megalomaniacal robber barron after all.
He was, they said, a champion for the underprivileged who donated much of his riches — even the ill-gotten — to charity; a principled racquetball player who called fouls on himself; a dedicated father who once spent a night searching for a lost hamster.
I do like how they say, “He was,” like they’re eulogizing his dead ass. It’s not just that one either. A lot of the testimonials are told in the past tense:
- “Tragically, Mr. Abramoff led two lives…”
- “He was a natural crusader and political activist…”
- “Jack was the kind of person who would offer his guest a glass of water if a server wasn’t around to do so…”
What gives? Is the guy dead? I didn’t hear. Did he croak?
Wait, here’s a couple other quotes that might shed some light:
- “Jack was a selfless patriot for most of the time I knew him.”
- “Jack was a good friend, and even your good friends at times do wrong things[.]”
Oh— I get it… HAHAHAHAHAH!
Associated Press: Abramoff Friends Start Leniency Campaign
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Stump Lane 
Now there’s a stand-up guy, huh? A guy who will even offer his guest a glass of water! Well, IF one of his servants isn’t around to do it. Gosh, think of poor Jack having to try to live without servants! His guests will die of thirst!
“A principled racquetball player who called fouls on himself.”
Oh, the humanity! Hasn’t Jack suffered enough?!?
When my time comes, I hope people can think of something more flattering to say about me than, “A principled dirtbag who always admitted when it was him that farted,” or some shit like that.
(There are some sweet lines in there if someone wanted to riff off the ‘hamster’ quote. Something’s stopped me from going there so far.)
“Jack was the kind of douchebag..er..sweet guy that would piss on a flaming child then drop him from a moving vehicle in front of the emergency room.”
I think I’ve got something in my eye.