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People of Darwin, Take Heed

February 17, 2006

Some reckless individuals would lead us believe an invasive race of poisonous toads in Australia— in an act of defiance of an OFFAL administration edict —is evolving!

Mad scientists introduced the heretical species into the Queensland, Australia ecosystem “70 years ago to tackle insect pests in canefields.” Since then, the brutes have “become an ecological catastrophe.”

Weighing in at to up two kilos (4.4 pounds), the unwanted anuran has extended its range to more than a million square kilometers (386,000 square miles) in tropical and sub-tropical Australia, crushing native species in its relentless advance.

A team of University of Sydney toad watchers positioned themselves on the front line of the invasion, 60 kilometers (35 miles) east of the city of Darwin, and for 10 months caught toads, some of which they radiotagged and let loose again.

“What the— But how? No toad species can expand its range that fast.”

“That’s no toad species. It’s a space station!”

“I have a very bad feeling about this.”

No, wait. That’s not right. Seriously, what did those scientists find out, anyway? (Not the mad ones, the brave ones.) Were they astonished?

They were astonished to find that the creatures can hop up to 1.8 kms (1.1 miles) a night during wet weather, a record for any frog or toad.

But even more remarkable was the discovery that the first toads to arrive at the front invariably had longer hind legs than those which arrived later.

By comparison, the toads which are living in the long-established Queensland colonies have much shorter legs.

Fascinating. But what does it mean?

The case is being seen as a classic example of [REDACTED] — animals that are stronger, faster or smarter are able to stake out new territory and defend it against those that are weaker, slower or less astute.

AFP Article: Darwin’s nightmare: Toxic toad evolves to secure supremacy

Let me get this straight, a band of brutish long-legged mutant poisonous frogs that already control tousands of square miles of territory, are wiping out native species left and right, expanding their territory and closing in on a human settlement? And that town’s name is Darwin?! So you start babbling on about some slapdash theory?!

People of Darwin, you have offended the LORD.

[Exodus 8:2] …behold, I will smite all thy borders with frogs: [3] And the river shall bring forth frogs abundantly, which shall go up and come into thine house, and into thy bedchamber, and upon thy bed, and into the house of thy servants, and upon thy people, and into thine ovens, and into thy kneadingtroughs: [4] And the frogs shall come up both on thee, and upon thy people, and upon all thy servants.

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3 Comments
  1. February 17, 2006 11:12 AM

    This is interesting, but I wish you would acquaint yourself with the distinction between “toads” and “frogs”. They are as different as alligators and crocodiles, or Democraps and Rethuglicans.

  2. February 17, 2006 11:31 AM

    When your kneadingtrough is overrun, and the beasts are upon your servants, the “distinction” will seem less important.

  3. February 17, 2006 7:27 PM

    LOL! When I read ‘band of brutish poisonous frogs’ I thought you were talking about the Bush Administration…

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