The Oceans Don't Got Our Back Anymore

September 5, 1781 — The Battle of the Chesapeake
In what would prove to be a decisive battle in the Revolutionary War, the British Navy fought for strategic control of Chesapeake Bay. At this decisive moment in our nation’s early history— which, as it turned out, led to the surrender of General Cornwallis at Yorktown and Brittan’s eventual acknowledgement of US independence —Poseidon, god of the sea, favored the colonists cause and brought a great and violent storm to the mouth of Chesapeake Bay. The great and violent storm that swallowed up Thomas Graves’ fleet, thereby granting strategic control of the bay to the colonists and cutting off British supply lines.

December 7, 1941 — The Attack on Pearl Harbor
After the treacherous attack on Pearl Harbor, it was again the sea gods that guided our ships and planes in the Pacific theatre to Naval Superiority and complete and utter victory. At Midway they sent bolts of lightning to rain fire on three Japanese carriers as their planes rearmed and refueled. In April of ’43, the titan Oceanus was dispatched to Washington to guide President Roosevelt’s hand in signing the “political assassination” executive order that would authorize the sea monster Scylla to chew off the head of Admiral Yamamoto. It was the wrath of these gods that caused the enormous tidal waves that would actually drop the entire fifth fleet on Iwo Jima, crushing nearly all of the 21,000 Japanese troops there and awarding strategic control of Iwo Jima’s key airfields to the US. And having shown so clearly their effectiveness in battle, it was the sea gods that cringed at our excessive and uncivilized displays of force in Hiroshima and Nagasaki.

October 16, 1962 — The Cuban Missile Crisis
After witnessing the destructive power at our disposal, and our bat-shit crazy willingness to wield it, our allies the sea gods were naturally a little on edge when Soviet leader Nikita Khrushchev decided to place some nuclear missile installations of his own on the island nation of Cuba. Faced with a US naval blockade, it was Poseidon himself who made a visitation to the Soviet Leader, filled his heart with fear and made him to see horrifying visions of exactly how bat-shit crazy the Americans were going to get on his ass if he didn’t back the fuck down. And, when it seemed that his admonitions would not work, Poseidon made the tiny nation crumble in his grip as he drew it down under the sea like some Caribbean Atlantis, allowing heavy tides to cleanse the once island of it’s nuclearly armed, but loosely attached appendages.

September 11, 2001 — The September 11th Attack
After centuries, this loose alliance between the US and aquatic overlords had become strained. The gods stood-down in the face of the terrorist attack. When a solid wall of 160 mile an hour winds and swirling water would have easily stopped the planes hurtling toward Manhattan Island, the gods declined to intervene. When a bank of impossibly thick fog would have made it impossible for the pilots to find their mark, the gods declined to intervene. That fateful day, it became unquestionably clear that the oceans would no longer protect us from our enemies.

Even more than that, the oceans have turned their ire against us. We are now forced to cope as we are struck again and again by brutal storms and hurricanes whose origins are the very machinations of our old ally, the sea. The sea gods are vengeful gods.

“On [September 11th,] we learned that vast oceans and friendly neighbors no longer protect us from those who wish to harm our people.” — OFFAL

[More quotes below the fold.]

“[T]his act of God [Hurricane Katrina] destroyed a wicked city. New Orleans was a city that opened its doors wide open to the public celebration of sin.” — Michael Marcavage, Director: Repent America

“[A] lot of us grew up thinking that oceans would protect us[.]” — OFFAL

“Katrina was an act of God upon a sin-loving and rebellious nation[.]” — By David Crowe, Restore America

“[O]ceans no longer protect us.” — OFFAL

“Surely God is mad at America. He sent us hurricane after hurricane after hurricane, and it’s destroyed and put stress on this country[.]” — New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin

“…I realized that we were not protected by oceans[.]” — OFFAL

“God is responsible for this [hurricane] and in his own time he will reveal why[.]” — Illinois congressman Jesse Jackson Jr