The Right Is in Ur Base Killing All Ur D00dz

[Image of Larry Bird grabbing Ralph Sampson by the throat here.]

(Previous edition of this feature here.) Don’t feel so sanctimonious, The Left, people hate me, The Right, too…

1. On a global level the Right has foundered. The debacle in Iraq speaks for itself; the refusal by the advanced industrial countries to deal with climate change is frightening; the war on terror increasingly results in the demonisation of all Muslims and the revival of religious and race based hatred. — If fighting for the cause of Freedom, avoiding costly flights of fancy, and hating evil is “foundering” then I don’t want to— what does foundering mean?

2. The right has a crush on Fred Thompson, but his own papers suggest he is less conservative than they think. — My own papers speak for themselves. I’m a true-blue conservative and I think Fred Thompson is dreamy! Who’s “they”?

3. [T]he Right has already built [him]sel[f] a house of myths, distortions and foundation-less extrapolations in order to pump up a serious crime plot into yet another grave threat to all of mankind and our way of life. — Just because a group of evildoers poses “no imminent threat” and has not yet “obtained explosives” for a plot involving exploding something, doesn’t mean they don’t want to destroy everything America stands for. Preemption is the best form of prevention.

4. Let me restate this. The right has failed. [His] policies are bankrupt. [His] political project has collapsed. [He] still dominate[s] the Republican Party, but [is] well on [his] way to turning it into a minority, regional party of white exclusion. — The points taken in order: No I haven’t; no they aren’t; no it hasn’t; and of course I do; but don’t be absurd, we welcome all whites.

5. The right has become particularly skilled at using labels as weapons, as they redefine liberalism to be something derogatory and define conservativism to mean something quite different from what has been practiced when conservatives have been in power. — Dumb liberals with their run-on sentences.

Well, that’s almost enough to make me renounce my 700 Club membership, and Jesus, and sell my soul to the devil to excel at the blues! I may visit this feature again in the future, so long as the Third Seal remains unopened; but Vegas has the odds of that at 5:4, thanks to my super-secret alliance with Skull and Bones, PNAC, AIPAC, the Trilateral Commission, and the starting five of the 1986 Boston Celtics.