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The Amazing Emo Spiderman

May 5, 2007

Spiderman 3
Spoiler alert!

Well, it’s not so much of a “spoiler” as a half-assed movie review/criticism which won’t really spoil the ending for you, but may, if I’ve communicated effectively, spoil your appetite for watching the movie at all.

(Highlight the area between the arrows to read. This trick won’t be necessary if you view this site using the lite theme. In which case, sorry if you saw it and didn’t want to.)

[Begin spoiler.] >Spiderman 3 sucks. They should have called it SpiderSUCK 3.

The reason this isn’t a “spoiler” is that this is Spiderman. You already know the plot:

— Because of Spiderman’s nature, “bad guys” don’t like him.
— Because Spiderman does a shitty-ass job of hiding his identity, “bad guys” can get to him by endangering his girlfriend.
— Because Spiderman’s dead uncle was so fucking honorable and made such an impression on Peter, when faced with the choices that define him… well, after he fucks everything up with all of his angst and self centeredness — Spiderman eventually does the “right thing,” and inexplicably everybody forgives him.

There is nothing new here. Same shit, different movie.

What is new and interesting here, is: Emo Spiderman! Peter Parker gets exposed to some black meteorite juice which turns out to be a life form that attaches itself to a host and amplifies their powers, especially their aggression. It also turns your costume awesome! Spiderman gets a snazzy black kit, and Peter Parker gets a black dye job and black eyeliner, and rampages through the city in a dance number/shopping montage. He shops for… you guessed it… a black suit. Then, just in the unlikely event you didn’t get it, (Emo Spiderman!) Spiderman swings up into the bell tower of a Gothic cathedral at night, where the Spidey-angst story arc reaches its climax… about an hour before the end of the movie. This is all a flagrant attempt appeal to the Emo demographic. I was, quite honestly disappointed, though, that the movie makers stopped short of an on-screen three-way between Peter, Mary Jane and Harry, complete with cries of “Love knows no gender!” Because, if you’re going to do something, you might as well do it ALL THE WAY.

Topher Grace as Venom/Eddie Brock was brilliant. [Full disclosure: I loved That 70’s Show and relished his cameo appearance in Oceans 11.] He had a couple of great moments, one being when, as Venom, during the climatic battle scene, he pauses to laugh maniacally. The laugh is pure Eric Forman. I dig that.

Thomas Haden Church as Sandman/Flint Marko was also quite good. Though in his big confession scene, Sandman’s lips are so chapped that what I really wanted was for him to borrow Spidey’s phone to call home… “Can you bring me my ChapSitck? … My lips hurt real bad!!” ala Napoleon Dynamite. Come to think of it, Dude’s fucking made out of sand! That’s gotta dry out you lips, yo.

There wasn’t nearly enough Willem Dafoe in this movie. They’re going to have to figure out a way to resurrect him in the next one, if they want to save the franchise in my mind.

If nothing else, Spiderman 3 is good for a few laughs. At least, if you’re like me, running a potential MST3K voice over in your head, and laughing when your not really supposed to be. (I did a spit take during Harry’s emotional scene in front of the mirror, to the disdain, I sensed, of the die hard Spidey fans all around me.)

To the people who applauded at the end of this shitstorm… WTF? Inappropriate!< [End spoiler.]

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4 Comments leave one →
  1. May 5, 2007 12:13 PM

    Why do they always fuck up these franchises? Same thing happened last summer with X-Men 3.

  2. May 5, 2007 9:20 PM

    I’ve thought the Spiderman franchise was overrated from the beginning, but I felt that if I didn’t speak up, this one might have been the overratedest one of them all.

    I hear ya on X-Men 3.

  3. tosh permalink
    June 18, 2007 10:18 PM

    the best part is seeing him all emo! hes rele gorgeous when he’s emo!

  4. October 4, 2007 2:50 AM

    wake up to yourselves…..spiderman is the coolest and black spiderman……haw he haw

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