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Useless as Teats On A Six-Pack

December 5, 2006

Comandante Agi­ at This Blog Will Self-Destruct in Five Seconds posted the other day about a Maine Civil Liberties Union Foundation government censorship case, against the Maine Bureau of Liquor Enforcement, for execrating Santa’s Butt. That is, for banning the sale of a beer by the name of “Santa’s Butt” in the state, due to the “undignified or improper” nature of it’s labeling.

Though I would ordinarily welcome news of this— what would seem an early skirmish in the War On Christmas —when I read that article, two conflicting thoughts started sword-fighting in my brain:

  1. Because I reject the notion of corporate personhood: (or to be more correct, institutional personhood): What “civil liberties” does a Beer Importing Company have that the Maine Civil Liberties Union Foundation deems worthy of protection?
  2. Because I don’t think the institutions of government should involve themselves in the determination of what is, in this sense, “undignified or improper”: What is the Maine Bureau of Liquor Enforcement to say what beer label is too “undignified or improper” for me to see in my local beer store?

But— as it was Friday evening —it didn’t take long for the five predatory-cat-shaped robots of yet a third thought to form together into one large sword-wielding thought-robot and smash the first two thoughts right out of the sky:

  1. Because after reading the description of Santa’s Butt, a nice winter Porter with 6% alcohol was sounding pretty good: What am I gonna guzzle this weekend, since I can’t pound Santa’s Butt?

The War On Christmas would have to wait. Your Humble Montag was going to learn the tyrants of the Maine Bureau of Liquor Enforcement a new definition of “undignified or improper.” Your Humble Montag was going to get blind off the most obscene beer I could find…

To be continued…

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