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CotL #26: The War On Thanksgiving Edition

November 22, 2006

This is another post co-authored by the dynamic, unstoppable duo of Montag and Fehlleistungen: Fehlleistungen and Montag.

[Welcome, liberals, to the Carnival of the Liberals #26, and our humble blog, Stump Lane, home to dark gray text on black background. If you prefer black text on white, click ‘stump lite’ in the right hand column under ‘themes’ and We’ll fix you right up. If you are not new to Stump Lane please note there will be no ‘Gang Ativity’ today with Bazooka Joe. (Click here for past editions if you need a fix.) But for now: let’s start a war!]

COTL LogoFellow citizens, there is a fraud being perpetuated in our country. There are some walking among us clinging to the belief that Christopher Columbus ‘discovered’ America and the national holiday we observe tomorrow still holds meaning as a celebration of the bounty of the harvest and as a commemoration of that first lovely dinner between the ‘Indians’ (who brought the ‘maize’) and the ‘Pilgrims’ (who whipped up the rest of the dinner on their gas range.) That these ideas persist is the work of Thanksgivingists.

The Thanksgivingists hate the truth, and crave only power. They work to undermine free thought and expression in all of its forms. The Thanksgivingists walk among us. They are pervasive. They have infiltrated every segment of society, and even key positions in government. They oppose the reality based community everywhere it conflicts with their objectives.

How does one confront such an enemy? It begins with hope; and Lewd Cognoscenti shows the way. But hope alone isn’t the solution. We cannot sit still and wait for the Thanksgivingist threat to develop to the point where it can completely subjugate the truth.

Top policy and military advisers have developed the plans for victory. Hell’s Handmaiden has detailed plans for toppling the Thanksgivingists leadership at the highest levels. Mad Kane has a brief and poetic executive summary of the same plan. While The Good Human has a contingency plan to mitigate the damage these soon to be deposed leaders have wrought. Of course, as Avant News reports, the Thanksgivingists will deride any plan that is not of their own creation.

Now is the time to put these plans into service. We must act quickly and decisively. The Thanksgiving holiday poses a grave and unique threat, as it marks the beginning of that time of year when the Thanksgivingists’ consumeristic marketing scheme is most pervasive and insatiable.

It is the time of year when the masses become engorged and sleepy on poultry, pie, and 1.5 gallon jugs of Riunite. When they become complacent and acquiescent. Which is precisely why we must strike now.

The assault will begin by making the cranberries of marriage safe for everyone through the shock and awe of Jon Swift’s magnificent can-shaped cranberry sauce logic. Then, once the opposition is softened up, its an easy march to the mashed potatoes and a protracted, but in no way futile search for A Bomb A Nation’s Easter ham of economic justice; and we know where that is. Our best available intelligence tells us it’s hidden inside the turkey of laissez-faire capitalism; and in the area of the squash, turnips, corn and the jello-mold somewhat.

Then, it’s time to count our blessings— thankful that major military operations are over —beneath a spiffy ‘mission accomplished’ banner. VICTORY!

This is the part where our adventure devolves into chaos with no conceivable end.

In all seriousness, chaos is a danger with a liberal movement divided by factions with differing priorities that sometimes find themselves working at cross-purposes. The important things to remember are the universal truths that bind us all together: like Abyss2hope’s admonishment about torture and No Right Turn’s defense of fundamental freedoms. If we hold true to our basic values and avoid unproductive chaos, we may not find years down the road that it has become necessary to divide the warring factions of our own society as The Thomas Political Report concludes has become necessary in real war-torn Iraq.

Well, it’s been an honour (‘u’ and all) and a pleasure hosting Carnival of the Liberals. The selection process was made difficult by the quality of writing and the range of worthy subjects. We thank everyone who submitted material and hope everyone throws in again for the December 6th edition of CotL. THE YEAR ANNIVERSARY. (They grow up so fast, don’t they?) It will be hosted by one of the very forefathers of CotL, TNG at Neural Gourmet who says:

This will be a best-of edition so I’ll be looking for everybody to send in their best blog posts from the past year that haven’t already appeared in, or been submitted to CotL in the past. More about what I’ll be looking for when I post my call for submissions next week.

So visit the carnival home page and watch Neural Gourmet for your instructions.

[As a final note: a shameless plea to add Stump Lane to your blogroll, with a promise of a return of the favor. (Sick of playing 272,593rd fiddle.)]

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