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A Serious Election-Time Discussion on Safety

September 19, 2006

[Cross posted at I Miss Fafblog, Spot!]

Let’s try our hand at one of them serious discussions in the form of a Fafniric-style dialogue between Falkor and Gizzard.

GIZZARD: Well, Falkor, before we get started I have an announcement. With the election less than two months away, I’ve decided I must make a late run for President. I’m announcing my candidacy today.

FALKOR: But, Gizzard, we aren’t electing a President this year.

GIZ: Pish! I’m not going to sit by idly while there’s a gaping power void in Washington. This place needs a President!

FAL: We got a President. He’s just real busy. Only the other day it was leaked that he’s “drawin up plans to control emissions a carbon dioxide and rapidly boost the use a renewable energy sources,” (or somethin.)

GIZ: Exactly! He’s capitulating to the envirofascists and surrendering in the face of climaterrorism! He’s weak and it’s time to correct course.

FAL: But Gizzard, the Constitution says the President “shall hold his Office during the Term a four Years” and it hasn’t been four years since the last Presidential election yet.

GIZ: The Constitution also gives the President absolute Unitary Executive power to rule over every aspect of the country and its people! But when the President fails to do that duty, it becomes our “duty to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for (our) future security.”

FAL: Wait a sec, Gizzard. Do you think the President hasn’t done enough on wielding absolute power over the country and people?!

GIZ: Are you kidding, Falkor? What kind of “Unitary Executive” crawls pleading, to Congress, begging for permission to spy on and detain the very terrorists he declares are terrorists with all the impunity necessary for the battle?

FAL: Uhhh… OK, Gizzard. We’ll just set aside the Constitutional issues. What’s your platform?

GIZ: Complete Safety. When I’m President, I will not rest until every last one of my underlings is completely safe from terror, no matter how insignificant.

FAL: You make a valid point there, Gizzard. The risk of any particular person becoming a victim a terrorism is kinda insignificant.

GIZ: No! Everyone, everywhere — even though safer than before — still must walk this life fraught with grave, terrifying, palpable danger! It’s my underlings that are insignificant.

FAL: Oh. But is it productive for people to walk through life worryin about somethin happenin that’s about as likely as gettin struck by lightenin?

GIZ: Falkor, you misperceive an essential truth. Sure, the odds against being struck by lightning at any given time are very great. But if you stand on high ground during a thunder storm where the worst of it is coming down, your odds become more grim, no? I call this the Lightning Rod Principle.

FAL: Ok…

GIZ: Well, living in the greatest country in the world during an International War on Terror is exactly the same. Freedom is our lightning rod: a lightning rod for terror! This is why we must forge a lightning rod for terror out of the mettle of freedom in Iraq. A well constructed one will draw the terrorist current away from the homeland. It’s kind of like flypaper — only with FIRE!

FAL: Don’t you mean metal? The lightning rod for terror in Iraq should be forged out a metal?

GIZ: No, mettle of freedom. Mettle of freedom!

FAL: Good idea! Those Medals a Freedom are a dime a dozen lately! You could make all a them guys who messed up Iraq in the first place give em back for the good a the project.

GIZ: METTLE. We need mettle. The grit and fortitude and perseverance to fight the forever war for Victory! For the Iraq of tomorrow.

FAL: “Forever War?!” I don’t think that’s such a great election slogan, Gizzard.

GIZ: No. I’m calling it the “Tomorrow War.” Much more bright and optimistic, right?

FAL: Tomorrow, tomorrow, you’re only a day away.

GIZ: Yeah. Now you’re getting it.

FAL: See, don’t you think a message of hope is more hopeful than a fearful message of fear? You seem pretty to be layin it on pretty thick.

GIZ: Falkor, fear is natural and necessary for survival. If you do not heed your fear, you will eventually die. So embrace your fear: VOTE GIZZARD, and keep on living!

FAL: Well, you’ve certainly convinced me! You’ve got my vote in November!

GIZ: Thanks! Thank you for your support.

The events and characters depicted in this bloggoplay are fictitious. Any similarity to actual persons, living, dead or bloginary, is purely coincidental… Or is it intentional? I always forget how that goes.

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