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The Unbearable Lightness of Being Right

August 29, 2006

[Cross posted at Stump Lane.]

Take heart, my children, when Donald Rumsfeld says he lies awake at night, “deeply troubled by the success of terrorist groups in ‘manipulating the media’ to influence Westerners.” Let talk of this sort worry you not. I can assure you, Our Brave Warrior rests as well as a baby, or a log, or the Kevin Pollak character in the jail scene in The Usual Suspects.

You too may rest easy, my dear friends, for the purpose of Our Media, as we have molded it, is to record history as We see it. To frame issues, and bound discussion inside the constraints of an ordained Neo-Reality. So to allow— and then complain loudly about —a ‘liberal’ (i.e. ‘terrorist’) bias within the media, is as if to say, “Thus far and no further,” when it comes to analyzing the issues. It is to head the dysfunctional loons of paranoid defeatism off at the pass through which information flows into the Utterly Rational Public Mind which informs our national discourse.

Concern yourselves not with the so-called “third way,” precious lambs. For there shall be no such thing. There shall be not even a second way! There is only the supremely right way; and the radically wrong way. Though, fear not! The radically wrong way is but a far-away straw-imagining; painstakingly constructed— in accordance with 19 Quart Lobster Pot doctrine —to most efficiently show the wrongness of all things other than the supremely right.

For an illustration of this in practice one needs look only as far as Our Mighty Master Cheney’s recent utterance:

I realize, as well, that some in our own country claim retreat from Iraq would satisfy the appetite of the terrorists and get them to leave us alone. But the exact opposite is true.

Now don’t all of you pessimistic demagogues of peacenikery who’ve claimed, “retreat from Iraq would satisfy the appetite of the terrorists,” feel stupid now? Now that your bizarrely wrong-headed notions about the war and terrorism is laid out on display, in all of its farcity, for all to see?

There is only one alternative to defeat in Iraq, and that is Victory! Thus spake Medium Lobster. Only through our unwavering faith, and unquestioning devotion may our rulers carve this necessary truth out of today’s Iraq.

—Chaplain Montag of the First Knights of the 19 Quart Lobster Pot

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5 Comments leave one →
  1. Donald R from Mickey's Kitchen permalink
    August 29, 2006 6:45 PM

    I was looking at myself the same way those protestors outside my house did, not like those senile old knuckleheads in the American Legion. I was looking at a big guy with an ugly reputation, a guy who had no earthly reason for existing in a decent, normal society. That’s what Harry Reid had said.I was sweating and cold at the same time. Maybe I did have a taste for death. Maybe I was twisted and rotted inside. Maybe I would be washed down the sewer with the rest of all the rottenness sometime……Naaah.

  2. Doodle Bean permalink
    August 29, 2006 9:57 PM

    Oh NO!!! There’s more than one kitchen out there?!?!?!?!?!?

  3. Ken from Ken's Kitchen permalink
    August 29, 2006 11:07 PM

    The Secretary of Defense was commenting from Mickey Spillane’s kitchenette! Mine’s getting a makeover. Hey Mickey, where’s the tarragon?

  4. Doodle Bean permalink
    August 30, 2006 10:16 AM

    Whew!!! That was a close one!

  5. mistah charley, ph.d. permalink
    August 30, 2006 3:06 PM

    I believe there ARE three ways – the right way, the wrong way, and the Army way.

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