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Speak No Evil

March 16, 2006

Friends, brothers, citizens, patriots, as you all know, we are at a critical time in our nation’s great history. The War on Terror rages on, on many fronts. Our courageous leaders are taking the terrorists on in every way possible. That they are doing a superlative job of this is evidenced by the fact that there has been only a single, feeble terrorist attack on our beloved nation’s soil since that fearful day in September.

I refer, unmistakably, to the lonely rogue In chapel Hill that drove his SUV into a crowd of college students: campus hijinks, compared to the vast al-Qaeda army we engage around the world. And who, in carefully coordinated efforts, carry out deadly attacks throughout Europe and the Mid East daily. As we engage this tenacious enemy across the world, it can sometimes be easy to forget that we are still at risk, even on our own homes. We must remain careful and vigilant against this unprecedented and lurking threat.

When people trivialize the al-Qaeda threat, our enemy is emboldened. This is an enemy that cowardly relies on the element of surprise in their treachery. This enemy is secretive, but just because he hides doesn’t make it right to doubt his veracity. This enemy must be recognized as pervasive and well coordinated, if for no other reason than the importance of having a cohesive enemy army to rally the troops, and public opinion against.

When people question the motives of our leaders, and the methods they employ in engaging the enemy and gathering intelligence, our enemy is aided in their efforts to disseminate misinformation. The terrorist army has been trained to lie. Their goal in lying is to create divisions and shake our resolve. The only defense against this devious tactic is to unite unquestioningly behind our great leaders.

When people decry the treatment of our detainees, or try to afford them the same human rights we Americans fought hard for and earned, our enemy is comforted by the hope that our empathy won’t punish them. When was the last time you were wrongfully imprisoned? Probably never. That’s because people don’t get imprisoned if they aren’t up to something suspicious. Who wants to be responsible for what might happen if we released every suspect we haven’t built a legal case against?

When people question the lawfulness of collecting information— occasionally including data on US citizens —for risk analysis, our enemy is entertained. Yes, our enemy has a television, and they are entertained not by our sport, or our comedy, or our hour-long dramas, but by the tribulations of our leaders at the spear tips of our media and citizenry. The enemy would like to see nothing more than a divided America crucifying our leaders over minor legal technicalities. To allow this would be unjust, and would compromise the security we have enjoyed so far, despite this conflict.

Dear citizen, these are trying times, and we must take the utmost care in choosing our words, because our enemies are listening. To embolden them by demonstrating our divisions and disagreements is reprehensible. We must unite behind our stalwart leaders.

The allure of partisanship is never stronger than at election time. As campaigns start to gear up, and the election approaches, it is vital that we undertake meaningful campaign speech reform. That is why I am introducing a new policy initiative to be submitted to the administration for immediate executive implementation. It is called the Anti-Sedition Political Speech Reform Initiative. This initiative is designed to take on the egregious dissent that enflames the public against our leaders and emboldens our enemies. It takes a novel approach to alleviating sedition.

Free speech that reaches us over the airwaves has to be bought, and as such, shall remain permissible. This allows those in power to speak directly to the electorate without their message becoming adulterated.

Online speech is also paid for, but its cost is too cheap for the information to be considered reliable. Additionally, the permanence of online speech can prove harmful. As the internet currently operates, a leader’s message might easily be misconstrued by some blogger or commenter; then, that bad information remains online indefinitely. The Anti-Sedition Political Speech Reform Initiative will safeguard against this by allowing incumbent leaders to shut down any website they reasonably feel posts seditious speech.

Lastly, the most troubling problem we face, is the unpardonably specious nature of oral communication. It is long past time that we began regulating word-of-mouth political speech. It would be impossibly difficult to police all person to person communication, so the program only regulates telephone calls, and conversations held in public, where five or more individuals, including the speaker, can hear. Any speech advocating the candidacy of a non-incumbent candidate will account as a $1 per word donation to that candidate’s campaign. Dollar limits on individual campaign donations still apply, so choose your words carefully, traitors! Negative political speech against an incumbent candidate will result in the incarceration of the speaker for the duration of the campaign, until such time that the elections have been certified. After release, the offender shall be compelled to perform fifteen minutes public service per word.

As with all of our initiatives, the Anti-Sedition Political Speech Reform Initiative is intentionally designed to be minimally intrusive to the vast majority of citizens: the Loyal Majority. We ask you simply to help us enforce the new rules. If you should hear objectionable or seditious speech, report it to your local Free Speech Official. If you feel you are qualified, we ask that you volunteer to become a Free Speech Officer, an experience that promises to be vastly rewarding.

With your support, loyal and patriotic friend, we will prevail in the War on Terror and Sedition.

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One Comment
  1. March 16, 2006 7:15 AM

    Bush wants you for a speechwriter.

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