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All Options On the Table Now, Motherfucker!

October 4, 2005

This is what Our Fearless Leader (OFL) said in his press conference today about the prospect of the federal government using the military or National Guard to enforce quarantines during a flu pandemic. It seem that OFL would like to have the power to deploy the military domestically, or to ‘commandeer the National Guard’ in case of an outbreak. Despite the illegality of this notion, OFL declared:

“…I think the president ought to have all options on the table to understand what the consequences are — all assets on the table, not options — assets on the table to be able to deal with something this significant,” he said. [Emphasis added.]

Reuters: Bush Wants Right to Use Military if Bird Flu Hits

Fuck am I glad he cleared that up! As far as I can tell, having “options” means if he don’t like what he sees he can bomb the shit out of it. For instance…

  • On why we want to develop new low-yield nuclear weapons that could be used against China, Iran, Iraq, Libya, North Korea, Russia, and Syria and specifically why countries like Libya and Syria are even on that list: “…we’ve got all options on the table…”
    Meaning: we want to be able to bomb the shit out of ’em if we have to.
  • On Iran: “I hope we can solve it diplomatically, but I will never take any option off the table.”
    Also on Iran: “This notion that the United States is getting ready to attack Iran is simply ridiculous. [Short pause.] “And having said that, all options are on the table.”
    Meaning: we’ll bomb the shit out of ’em if we have to.
  • The reason the US was reluctant to enter a “no-war deal” with North Korea to move nuclear talks forward? A “…desire to keep all options on the table…”
    Meaning: we wanted to be able to bomb the shit out of ’em if we had to.
  • What OFL wants the Prime Minister of Japan to know about our intentions to deal with any nation that would pursue WMD to use against the US or her friends or her allies: “…all options are on the table and that I will keep all options on the table.”
    Meaning: we’ll bomb the shit out of ’em if we have to.
  • On what to do about Iraq (before the war): “all options on the table”
    Meaning: Well, we know what happened there.
  • What if China takes Taiwan? All options are on the table.

And on the domestic front:

  • On his desire to reform Social Security: “…putting all options on the table…”
    Meaning: Let Wall Street have at it.
  • On holding back on some of the tax cuts to balance the budget: “…the President must keep all options on the table…”
    Meaning: Well, if I must, and if it will make you feel better, we’ll keep that option “on the table,” but there’s no way in hell I’m ‘a let you bomb the shit out of my tax cuts.

That’s all fine and well when your talking about little brown people overseas, or metaphorically about what you want to do to your opponent’s legislative offerings; but, I drop a little load in my pants when I hear OFL say it’s important to “have all options on the table” if it should become necessary to enforce quarantines during a flu pandemic right here at home. All of a sudden I’m picturing an evil Donald Sutherland with his finger on the button, and an action hero-ish Dustin Hoffman commandeering a chopper and desperately trying to stop the bombers with the incendiary bombs heading for Anytown, USA because the quarantine isn’t holding.

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