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Out With the Old

March 25, 2005

We have a lot of old people problems in this great nation of ours. Social Security, Medicaid, unfunded pension funds, high prescription drug prices, rising health care costs.. The list goes on and on. Quite frankly old people are generally a huge pain in the ass. They are the biggest group of deadbeat freeloaders around. Always talking about how much cheaper things used to be, how great it was back in the old days when companies were loyal to their workers and took care of them in retirement. Sheesh! See what I mean? They have this delusion of entitlement. Just because they sold the toil of their backs, they feel like we owe them something.

But, they weren’t risk-takers. They didn’t put their money on the line when it counted. They wanted to get paid. They didn’t care that their wages came straight out of the profits. Why should we worry about people who never learned the most basic fundamental: money makes money?

The way to look at it is this: If you haven’t amassed enough dough to keep you goin’ for twenty years or so by the time you retire, you’ve forfeited your right to be here. “Shuffle off this mortal coil” already. You should have thought about these things before; while you were busy buying fancy homes and cars and sending your kids off to high-fallutin’ colleges. And, don’t come crying to me when you’re the one who can’t work anymore. Ask your kids to take care of you.

Why can’t we put the old people back to work so they can pay their own way? It’s simple. We need producers. That means highly productive, vibrant, long-legged, sexy, blonde workers who don’t have all kinds of preconceived notions about how to produce. “Ideas” and “experience” really piss in the pants of productivity. By the numbers old people just don’t produce. They’re slow, weak, blind, and forgetful. They tend to call in sick a lot. People who call in sick a lot drive up health insurance premiums for everybody else. It just doesn’t work out well for anybody.

We have a solution. It’s simple, and elegant; and it solves all of the old-people problems at once: it’s the Old Age Poverty Illness and Sloth Criminalization Act. The best thing about it is that our politicians won’t have to twitch and fry on the third rail of politics, Social Security. They will be able to go back home to their constituents and say “I’d never cut benefits for loyal, law abiding, patriotic citizens.”

What the Act does, essentially, is criminalize the disease of entitlement that is really just the bitter aftertaste of poor planning. These old people didn’t get to where they are without a whole lifetime of poor financial choices, and neglecting their health. They have made themselves an unnecessary burden on the system, and in doing so are stealing from me and you, and from our great Government. It is an offense tantamount to treason and should carry the same punishment. I know that we can count on all Patriotic Americans to support this bill that outlaws treason and holds traitors accountable for their indiscretions.

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