The War on Dollar

After decades of the exploitive and (regrettably) sometimes violent empire building that allowed our great institutions to amass resources, we still lacked the most vital component to prosperity: the fuel for the Great Machine. Then came a gift from our benevolent benefactor up in Heaven. 9-11 changed everything. It allowed us to conquer the final frontier, the Mid-East, and to secure forever an endless supply of the economic life-blood. Now it is time to win the final battle.

In this period, while our efforts have been occupied in the struggle to subjugate world labor forces, Dollar has been on the rise. With our every advance toward world economic domination, Dollarists have been increasing their ranks; and now have the potential to destabilize our fortress of economic stability.

There are nation-states that sponsor Dollarism. Japan, China and.. er.. Japan form an Axis of Equity. These states, and the Dollarists they harbor, if left unchecked, pose a clear and eminent threat to our economic freedom– which they hate. There are many Dollarists living here in the Homeland as well. Our latest estimates put their numbers in the hundreds of millions. They are a scourge and a constant threat that must be pre-empted.

What can we do about this threat? First we must strike at their ability to finance their activities. As the name implies, Dollarists get their economic power from the dollar-currency; but we must defeat the Dollarists! It will be hard work and sacrifice, but we must weaken the dollar-currency. Make no mistake about it, this is a War on Dollar.

The result of a weakened dollar-currency will be twofold. (1) It will starve out the millions of Dollarists living within our own borders by diminishing their purchasing power. (2) It will reduce both our trade and budget deficits by (a) allowing our fine institutions to export goods and services cheaply; and (b) reducing the real value of our public, dollar-currency debt. As you can see it is a win-win situation. A residual benefit for our distinguished institutions will be their ability to reclaim much of the property and resources currently held by Dollarists world wide and at home.

You may ask, what does a diminished dollar-currency mean to me, a good down-home, red-blooded American? I use dollars for everything. I even get paid in dollars. Will I still be able to buy the things I need?

My loyal and patriotic friend, you are asking the wrong questions. Ask yourself, “Am I a Dollarist or an American?” If you are not a Dollarist, you have nothing to fear. As always, our compassionate institutions will continue to care for you, as they do now, through employment, healthcare and retirement benefits. Nothing will change for loyal, patriotic Americans.

In this War on Dollar, there will be a need to increase participation in job training, and education programs such as the National Guard, Army Reserve and others. This is why I am announcing my A TV In Every Living Room and A Hummer In Every Driveway initiative. Every man, woman and child who signs up for one of these programs will receive a wide screen TV, satellite service, and a Hummer vehicle; not to mention the career opportunities that open up with such job training. Now that’s a pretty damn good deal, you have to admit.

In closing, I would like to remind everyone to be vigilant. The Dollarists are in our midst. We encounter them every day. They look no different than you or me. They may try to recruit you into their subversive groups. They call it “organizing,” as though it were some kind of perverted sense of “democracy” but believe me, it is not that innocent. The Greeks proved that “direct democracy” fails; and you know what else those immorals were up to.

The Dollarists’ goal is to undermine the corporate-capitalist system: everything that makes this country great. They want to destroy your quality of life. They will stop at nothing to do so. The absolute best way to face their threat is: go to the mall, patronize our altruistic institutions, enjoy your television. Trust in me, and the American dream will prevail.