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My Side of the Story

A Sith Lord, a half-assed Jedi, and a Mechanical man walk into the throne room of the most lethal battle station ever created, the Sith Lord says to the Jedi, “You want this, don’t you? Take your Jedi weapon and strike me down with all of your hatred.”
And the Jedi says “No.”
But the Jedi decides to strike him down anyway but the mechanical man says, “Woah! Slow down, fellas,” and an epic light saber battle ensues.

I never was much of a comedian.

But seriously, I was very much on edge and was stalling for the right moment to strike Sidious. The Rebels had sprung Sidious’ trap. Their, and my, plans were both past the point of no return now. I needed to be sure that the Rebel attack on the shield generator would be successful. If we were successful in destroying the Emperor, Luke would not be able to escape unless the Death Star was destroyed which would throw the Imperial troops into turmoil. I would not let him die before his time as I did my mother and Padme. I hoped my efforts to preserve Princess Leia were not in vain. She and Han Solo were leading the attack on the shield generator. Their attack had to be successful or the Empire would once and for all prevail. The Rebels’ plan was a risky one, but so was mine. I would be dead by the end of the day, and either the Emperor and his Empire, or the Rebel Alliance, with me.

My stalling tactic was working well, but wouldn’t hold out for long. I had Luke pinned down, and he was hiding from me. I knew Sidious admired a good soliloquy, and not wanting my last words to be something stupid like “AAAAGH!!” or “UUGHHH!” or the like, I began the monolog I’d prepared for this moment. It was the usual Dark-Lord-of-the-Sith-trying-to-recruit-a-new-apprentice fare, “you cannot hide forever, Luke. Give yourself to the dark side. It is the only way you can save your friends. Yes, your thoughts betray you. Your feelings for them are strong.”

As I delivered my remarks, I sensed an unexpected tremor in Luke’s feelings. I heard the voice of Master Yoda, in a weak whisper. What he said reverberated inside my cold helmet, “there is another Skywalker.”

Startled I was, by Master Yoda’s words. I spoke without thinking. I continued, “Especially for Sister! So…you have a twin sister. Your feelings have now betrayed her, too. Obi-Wan was wise to hide her from me. Now his failure is complete.” (I’ve never been able to resist an opportunity to take a poke at my old Master.) At this moment I sensed that the tide of the battle on the forest moon, Endor, was changing. The Rebels would be successful. I could feel it. It was time to get things rolling again; vis-a-vis destroying the Emperor. I goaded Luke, “If you will not turn to the dark side, then perhaps she will.”

“NEVER!” That’s my boy. I felt like I was really getting to know him. He really liked screaming “NEVER!” and, “NOOOOO!” in times of high emotion, as if screaming loudly helped him to channel his power into action.

The Emperor laughed. No, he cackled in his patented bizarre manner. I was prideful both of the fact that my speech had struck this jovial chord in my evil master, and at the skill that my son was displaying with his light saber. My plan had called for me to back up to the edge of one of those ubiquitous, endless shafts that us Sith seem drawn to for light saber duels. I was setting a trap of my own. But Luke’s skills were such that he was backing me up anyway. I didn’t have to ‘let’ him win at all. Either my skills had diminished more than I’d suspected, or Luke was really that good. It became a challenge to even maneuver into the prescribed position. I managed to get to my spot as Luke’s rage reached a head. I fell back under his power and just as quickly my mechanical hand and light saber were gone.

When I looked up into Luke’s eyes I hoped to see Padme’s compassion, but instead I saw the fear and anger of my own younger self. For a moment I feared that he would give in to the anger and kill me. His saber was at my throat and I could feel its heat warming the metal of my neck protector. There was something wrong with my fucking mask. It was even harder to breath than usual. Something was wrong. I didn’t have long to act. There was a long moment when I thought I had pushed Luke too far and my plan would unravel. Despair.

Suddenly, the tension I felt in my mind subsided. Luke relaxed, retracting his blade. He tossed the weapon aside declaring, “I am a Jedi, like my father before me.” Joy! My heart leapt. It was as if Padme’s spirit entered the room and rejuvenated my withered heart. Euphoria.

palpatineI was floating. For how long, I don’t know, but as I came back to the situation, I saw Sidious, his deformed face twisted into a grimace of pure hate. He tortured Luke with his Dark lightening. The time had come to execute my plan and destroy the Emperor. The plan was based on the belief that Luke could not destroy me, and that I could resolve myself to break the bonds of this mechanical body that binds me to Sidious and exerts control over my mind. Luke had fulfilled his part. Now all I had to do was push Sidious into the shaft where he would fall into the main reactor. This would destroy me as well as Sidious. My mind lapsed for a moment as I considered this. I took comfort in the training that Qui-Gon had given me so that I would be able to become one with the force when this was over. I shook myself awake. I stepped up to the Dark Master and lifted him up, his lightening now falling on me. Luke was safe. I turned and pushed Sidious over the railing and into the pit. When he reached the bottom, he exploded in a plume of blue smoke. I collapsed.

My son, so earnest, wanted to save my life. I tried to tell him that he already had saved me. I requested, “Help me take this mask off. Let me look on you with my own eyes.” Poetic, no? He removed the burdensome mask and I saw him as if for the first time. The emotions flowed through me. I felt filled with the Light side of the Force. I saw Padme and my Mother’s love reflected in his eyes. The burden I had been carrying around these decades faded away. Relieved, I shed my sense of self, and the mechanical fortress that had held that self hostage. I bathed in the pure natural Force, experiencing it as if for the first time.

Tell your sister you were right.

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3 Comments
  1. meme's avatar
    meme permalink
    May 30, 2005 9:42 AM

    i love you…..

  2. Unknown's avatar
    July 22, 2005 7:10 PM

    more sex…

  3. Darth Vader's avatar
    July 28, 2005 7:35 PM

    Meme, I am sorry but I can never love you as I loved Padme.

    Babibi, you do not have an answer for ‘forbidden-Jedi-sex’. If you are susceptable to the old Jedi mind trick — which I have no reason to believe you are, but if you are — you would learn a new definition of pleasure and euphoria as you were slowly…

    Um, excuse me… Let’s just say there’s a reason that shit’s forbidden, and leave it at that.

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